Was That Really an Overreaction?
November 14, 2024 | By David M. Wagner
I’ve come to really distrust the word “overreact.”
Let me tell you why.
On the surface, someone’s response may truly be inappropriate or disproportionate to the concern at hand.
And, sometimes, is it possible we use the label “overreaction” to dismiss a concern that makes us uncomfortable?
Don’t get me wrong.
You are right to put a stop to inappropriate words and actions.
You are not responsible for addressing every off-the-wall fear or scenario expressed by stakeholders.
At the same time, writing off poorly expressed concerns may deprive us of (a) learning (often uncomfortable) truths and (b) building high-trust relationships.
It helps to understand why their reaction was so unexpectedly strong.
So before you roll your eyes and discount their words, check for these common reasons for “overreactions.”
Misunderstandings
How many fights have you had because someone misheard or misinterpreted what the other said?
Yeah…me too.
If you suspect a misunderstanding, use neutral language to invite them to get on the same page.
E.g., “To be honest, I’m a bit surprised by your reaction. I want to make sure we understand this the same way. What do you think is going on?”
It’s not about what you said
Remember those Snickers Bar ads with the tagline, “You’re not you when you’re hungry?”
They were onto something.
We may not react to unexpected stimuli quite like our (best) selves when our basic needs aren’t met.
If someone’s reaction strikes you as off-base, don’t assume something specific. (“You’re really upset. Are you and Jill fighting again?”)
If you know the person well, do check in: “Something seems…off. Is this about what we’re discussing? Or is something else going on today?”
It's totally about you said…sorta
Oops…you just stepped on a landmine.
Listen for clues that their strong reaction concerns more than just the immediate concern. Some common triggers:
Resenting patterns of behavior (not the first time this has happened)
Reinforcing an insecurity (this makes them feel unsafe)
Reliving past trauma (this feels uncomfortably familiar)
Defending their identity (this feels like a challenge to their values)
Empathize with the emotions you hear and invite a conversation about the broader when appropriate.
Then tend to the impact of your words or actions, no matter your original intent.
They lack tact
Not all complaints or criticisms are delivered on a soft pillow.
We benefit from embracing them anyway.
It can be challenging to hear hard truths from someone who lacks tact.
If we value our relationship with them, we’ll put that relationship first and hear what they have to say.
Even if it hurts a little.
If you catch yourself thinking, “Wow, that was an overreaction,” invite a bit of doubt.
Try not to take their words or actions personally, at least not until you’ve explored what else might be going on.
And if this is a skill you’d like to develop further, set a free consult with me to discuss how coaching can help.