3 Myths About Assertiveness that Undermine Leadership
July 11, 2024 | By David M. Wagner
I really thought we were done!
I led a team responsible for planning the key part of an upcoming event. Together, we had met an aggressive deadline for delivering the design.
But then the lead organizer burst my bubble.
“I still don’t have what I need for the permits!” she told me.
My heart sank – the permits were the driving force behind our deadline. Apparently, we had failed to deliver the necessary information to complete the permit applications.
While we quickly resolved the issue, the organizer and I identified two missed opportunities to be assertive, either of which could have averted this last-minute panic:
(From her) Here’s exactly what I’m expecting from your team.
(From me) I think we’ve delivered what you need for the permits. Can you confirm?
Why do we hesitate to be assertive as leaders? Here are three myths about assertiveness that often undermine leadership.
Myth: They’ll know what I mean
Truth: There’s a good chance they won’t know what you mean, or need, or expect unless you tell them.
I get it. It can feel redundant to state the obvious – or at least, what’s obvious to you.
But there’s no harm in being explicit. In fact, it’s a powerful antidote to potential miscommunication.
Don’t drop hints. Be direct. It provides others a chance to alert you if they have different intentions, needs, or expectations.
Myth: I need to be sure to be assertive
Truth: Being assertive only requires you to speak up, not to be certain.
In fact, as I learned from Andrea Howe, using qualifiers to honestly express your uncertainty is a great way to build trust.
For example, if something strikes you as being a bit off and you’re worried about overstepping, don’t stay silent. Use qualifiers to communicate your openness to being contradicted:
“I may have this wrong, but...”
“It might just be me, but…”
“I think…”
Myth: It’s rude of me to be assertive
Truth: There’s nothing inherently rude about being direct, honest, and clear.
Being assertive does not require you to be aggressive.
If a colleague is late delivering something you need urgently, you have (at least) three ways to handle the situation:
Aggressive – “David, what are you doing?? You’re a week late with that report. I need it in the next hour, or you’re fired!”
Passive – (Impatiently refreshes email, waiting for an update.)
Assertive – “David, do you have an update on that report? I haven’t received it yet. We risk missing our grant deadline without it.”
In a highly collaborative environment, you might worry that you’ll come across as repetitive, overconfident, or even rude if you are assertive. But the exact opposite is true. Be direct, honest, and considerate to express yourself to avoid miscommunication and build trust.
I coach nonprofit leaders to help their organizations achieve mission success by putting their people first, using techniques like assertiveness. Set a free consultation to start improving your communications style.