“Should” is a Dirty Word
April 25, 2024 | By David M. Wagner
When the weather is nice, I think, “I should go ride my bike.”
The word “should” is doing a lot of work there. A full interpretation might be, “If I don’t go for a ride, I’ll feel guilty for wasting good weather and for not using the bike I just bought more often.”
“Should” is one of those sneaky words that can carry different meanings and a lot of emotional baggage – including implied judgment about “right” and “wrong” actions – even if we don’t intend it.
Here are several potential meanings of “should” and phrases we can use instead to avoid introducing judgment.
Enthusiastic Recommendations and Advice
“You should totally take that class!” is another way of saying “I think you’d really benefit from taking that class!”
What’s the difference?
The first version implies, probably unintentionally, a sense of obligation to heed the speaker’s advice.
The second version states an opinion or belief rather than assuming a “right” choice for the listener.
With Lens on Leadership, I use a similar framing: “Taking that class will help you accomplish these goals.”
With this approach, the speaker simply provides information. The listener is free to decide whether heeding the advice makes sense in their unique situation.
Requests
“You should give me a hand with this” is a passive way of asking for help.
Culturally, we sometimes think that round-about asks are somehow less rude than making simple, direct requests.
The problem is that “should” can introduce a sense of guilt or an unmet obligation if help is not offered – which can sow resentment.
“I’d like your help with this – do you have minute to give me a hand?” is more direct, gives the listener the option of saying “no,” and therefore is less likely to lead to umbrage.
Responsibility or Obligation
The example I started with, “I should bike more,” conveys exactly the sense of unmet responsibility that I suggest avoiding above.
That situation is trickier than advice or asks, which can be rephrased to avoid “should.”
To remove the guilt of implied obligation, we need a mindset shift: from responsibility to recommendation or request.
For instance, instead of saying, “I should bike more,” I might try, “I think it would benefit my training to bike right now.”
That second approach opens the decision (whether to bike or not) to more exploration – is it in my best interest to go on a ride right now? Or, as I realized earlier this week, does my body need more rest from a long ride a few days earlier?
When we shift from “should” to clearly stating offered advice and direct requests, we remove any sense of obligation or judgment and create an opening to explore (rather than assume) the best course of action.
Avoiding “should” is a communications technique I coach to nonprofit leaders. I’m not saying you should set a free consult with me, but doing so will help you put your people first and make your strategy matter!