July 20, 2023 | By David M. Wagner

“I don’t want him to get in trouble. I just want it to stop.”

My coworker confided in me that she was receiving unwanted attention from a man in the office. He had persisted despite her ignoring all his advances. She asked if I would speak to him. I did. He stopped.

I could end the story there and offer tips for confronting inappropriate behavior – why it’s important, how to focus on facts and consequences, and so on.

That’s the article I wrote, originally.

Recognizing Privilege

But then I thought about why that coworker had come to me. And about all the other unwelcome, derogatory, and hostile encounters to which I’ve been privy.

And I realized that my advice was, unintentionally, dripping with privilege.

As a straight white man, I experience many fewer disturbing encounters than others, especially the women, LGBTQ+, and people of color I’ve known. And if I speak up, I'm less likely to experience some form of retribution.

My sweeping advice for how to confront bullies, bigots, and other bad actors simply does not reflect the lived experience of members of marginalized groups.

…And Putting it to Use

So while I’m the wrong person to advise those individuals, I can try to encourage others whose privilege affords them the opportunity to speak up with a lower risk of repercussions.

These pointers draw heavily from “Be a Better Ally,” an outstanding article by Tsedale Melaku, Angie Beeman, David Smith, and W. Brad Johnson. Here’s my attempt to amplify their excellent advice, coupled with my own experience:

• Recognize that anyone can misbehave. We all have the capacity for acting inappropriately - including the male coworker from my story, whom I never would have suspected of harassment.

• Learn the signs. I’m certainly still learning how to spot subtle sexism, microaggressions, transphobia, and other problematic acts. Do your research. Because asking a colleague to explain what they’ve encountered “unfairly burdens them with emotional and cognitive labor,” per Melaku et al.

• Be available as an ally and confidant. From the article: “Make yourself available, listen generously, and try to empathize with and validate [others’] experiences.” Would your colleagues come to you with a sensitive dilemma?

• Speak up – on your own behalf. Call out harmful statements and behavior that violate team norms, even if no one present is the target. As Melaku et al put it, “Explain that you are offended and that such comments or actions aren’t acceptable or representative of your organization.”

• Get permission to act on another’s behalf. By contrast, when a colleague relays a troubling experience to you, get their permission before confronting the source. They may not want or need your help. And your well-intentioned intervention could backfire on them.

At this point, I normally include a call-to-action to schedule a free consultation with me for some purpose. But for this piece, I think it’s more appropriate to encourage you to read “Be a Better Ally.” Be kind out there.