January 18, 2024 | By David M. Wagner

I felt a twinge of guilt last week.

Colleague and trust guru Andrea Howe kicked off the year with an appeal to ditch traditional, shame-based New Year’s resolutions – and to practice self-compassion instead.

Why would a suggestion to feel less shame cause me a sense of guilt?

Because ever since I identified compassion as one of the five superpowers of highly effective leaders – last March – I’ve wanted to elaborate on that topic.

I’ve been avoiding it. Mainly because – ironically – I’ve been hard on myself about my lack of confidence in the subject matter.

Effective Leadership Starts with (Self-)Compassion

Hopefully the case for leaders to show compassion to others is apparent. Compassion builds trust, fosters a sense of belonging, and in turn improves camaraderie and motivation.

But starting with self-compassion might be even more important. Because when we’re kinder and gentler with ourselves,

• We lead with greater (deserved) confidence.

• We are more likely to take (appropriate) risks.

• We can handle the ups and downs of our roles with more grace and less stress.

• And we’ll be more inclined to show compassion to others.

It’s true – compassion is a skill we can learn, starting by showing some to ourselves.

3 Steps to Practicing Self-Compassion

The basic idea of self-compassion – “being kind to yourself” – seems straightforward, but I struggled for a long time with how to do that. Especially at times when I didn’t feel I deserved that kindness.

I finally found advice on the practical application of compassion in The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Drs. Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer. Among much more advice, they suggest three key practices at the foundation of self-compassion.

When you’re beating yourself up:

1. Acknowledge your humanity. No one is perfect, so why do we berate ourselves for being less than flawless, especially during a crisis or times of stress? Acknowledging that messing up, or feeling a particular way, or otherwise being imperfect, is perfectly human.

2. Differentiate instances and labels. There’s a big difference between screwing up and being a screw-up. Our imperfect words, actions, and thoughts reinforce our false narratives about being a “[insert negative adjective] person.” Counter that lie by remembering your good intentions and all the times you didn’t screw up.

3. Make space for soothing. Allow yourself to feel crummy or to indulge in (healthy) methods to help you through the moment: embrace physical soothing (like a self-hug), listen to music that matches your mood, vent to a friend, or engage in a confidence-boosting activity. Remember that these feelings aren’t permanent.

By giving ourselves permission to be less-than-perfect humans instead of “screw-ups” and making the journey from “this feels awful” to “this will be ok,” we’ll be better equipped to lead confidently. As a bonus, we’ll be more likely to show the same compassion to our team members.

I coach nonprofit leaders to embrace tools like compassion to have even more impact in their roles. Set a free consultation to start amplifying your impact today.