Got a Complaint? Put the Relationship First.
August 17, 2023 | By David M. Wagner
“It’s not me. It’s you.”
Even when we’re not so blunt, “you’re the problem” is the message others often hear when we raise our concerns with them.
The result? Defensiveness. Arguments. Trading blame.
Whether we value our relationship with someone or simply are stuck working with them, it behooves us to be assertive about issues we perceive and preserve – or even strengthen – that relationship.
It’s Not You or Me
The solution: reframing the issue as a problem that we can solve together.
Honestly, I find it hard to set aside my feelings and beliefs about who’s right (me!) and who’s to blame (you!).
But viewing the problem as a neutral party might is the most important part to a constructive conversation.
The authors of The Trusted Advisor Fieldbook suggest iterating on the “problem statement.” Work toward an objective description of a relationship problem that you and the other party would both agree is true.
First draft: “He doesn’t get it and he’s rude”
Final draft: “We aren’t communicating effectively, and that leads to frustration for us all.”
Fieldbook author Andrea Howe has a great example of how reframing problems can transform relationships.
Starting and Steering the Conversation
In addition to starting from a neutral problem description, the authors of Difficult Conversations suggest inviting the other party to explore the problem from both their perspective and yours, and to work together toward a solution.
Here’s a possible opener:
“I’d like to talk with you about [topic]. As I see it, the problem is [neutral description]. I’d like to understand where you’re coming from and how you see things, and share my perspective. If you’re open to it, I’d like to work together to find a solution.”
It might take a few attempts to get the other party to understand that you’re inviting them into problem solving, rather than assigning blame. Listen carefully to their perspective with no other agenda other than to understand them better (the paradoxical principle behind authentic persuasion).
Share Your Story
When you understand their view, share yours.
Avoid shifting into finger-pointing or spurring defensiveness by using the Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI) model of feedback:
Describe a specific situation in which the issue occurred.
Identify the other person’s behavior that concerned you, focusing on observable actions (don’t assume intentions, which you cannot observe).
Describe the impact on you or the team.
Example:
“In our meeting today, during the budget update, you started speaking before I was finished. This made me feel ‘talked over,’ and like my voice was not respected. That runs counter to our team norms and to the inclusive culture we’re trying to create.”
When in doubt, ask how they see things. Invite input. Aim to reach a place where you both understand each other, even if you disagree. If you’re struggling with a difficult interpersonal situation, set a free consultation to talk about how I’ve coached other mission-driven leaders to be assertive while preserving and strengthening their working relationships.