March 14, 2024 | By David M. Wagner

What if there were a way to resolve conflicts collaboratively, rather than combatively?

There is. And a technique called externalization is the key.

Imagine being on the receiving end of these two statements:

Statement A: “That’s not what happened. You’re lying!” (or, worse, “You’re a liar!”)

Statement B: “We have very different interpretations of what happened.”

Both could easily apply to the same situation: You think one thing happened. I think something different happened. And we argue about it.

And yet these two assertions carry very different emotional baggage with them. The first version makes me feel anxious, attacked, defensive – or even like the person saying it doesn’t care for me very much.

Whereas the second version is harder for me to complain about. It’s a neutral statement that, frankly, I probably agree with.

A Better Way to Name the Issue

Both statements above are attempts to describe a problem between two people.

The first approach assigns blame, making the other person the problem.

The second approach externalizes the problem, acknowledging it as something that exists outside of either individual. It’s a relationship issue to solve, not a character flaw to judge.

This technique is a great way to put the relationship first when we have a complaint about someone. There are more steps to resolving the conflict peacefully, but a neutral framing of the issue is an essential first step.

Why It Works

Let’s explore why externalizing problems helps with peaceful conflict resolution.

Externalization:

• Is free of blame. Per Difficult Conversations, blame looks backwards and is rooted in judgment. Finding a blameless way to describe the problem creates space to explore how both of us contributed to the situation, and looks forward to solving the problem.

• Invites teamwork to solve the problem. Framing the issue as something we’re both experiencing makes it something we can work on together. It leaves open the possibility that we both have things we can learn about how the problem emerged, and can both play a role in its resolution.

• Minimizes defensive triggers. When neither party feels attacked or blamed, it is much easier to come to the table in the spirit of resolution, rather than defending one’s honor (or some other part of their identity).

• Avoids labels. Labels are. The. Worst. Applying a label – like “liar,” “lazy,” “inconsiderate,” or any other negative attribute – is detrimental to both parties. The labelee is likely to feel judged or attacked. And the labeler has closed off the possibility, even in their own mind, that the other person is (a) more complex than this one (or more) mistake(s), or (b) capable of change.

Learning how to externalize interpersonal challenges, and teaching your team to do the same, can help turn conflict resolution into a collaborative – rather than combative – experience. I coach nonprofit leaders on this and other techniques to put people first to make their strategies matter. Schedule a free consultation to start transforming your team’s culture.